Catching Up

Time to get you caught up.
It seems my strange, back-up blog is now non-existent, which is weird. Because honestly for the longest time, until right now, I couldn't access this one. Make up your mind, internet. Seriously.
Anyways.. Wow. 2012. I guess I can give ya'll a quick recap of all the hectic things that have happened in this Wolf's life.
Chronologically:

• Moved out of my mother's place and in with my father(change for the better? Yes. Wise? Probably not.)

• Told my father I'm Wiccan(bad idea, folks. Almost got kicked out because turns out he's a cantakerous old jackass. Still love him, but it hurts, sometimes.)
• Osama Binladen dead! Happy day. It's terribly ironic, I was listening to "War is Over" by.. I can't remember right now when I read the news at like, 2 in the morning. Amazing. 
• Lost four of my friends to a car accident. (Oct. 16 2011. 7 months since it happened, and by the gods it still hurts to recount it.) Attended 3 out of 4 funerals. Turns out having four funerals in under a week is... pretty taxing on a soul. Two in one day ended up being too much. Sorry Jorden, sweetie. I still love and miss you.
• Brother came back from his mission, sister left on hers, sister came back, other brother left on his(obviously not chronological there, they're spread out over a three year timeframe).
• SKYRIIIIIIM! Muahahahahaha.... I swore I'd never play it but it turns out the temptation's too great when your brother walks in with it and says "MIC YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY THIS!" Haha :P Crazy siblings.

Well... That's pretty much everything of note. I mean, I met new people, made new friends, Oh yeah! Went to Disneyland for show quoir and I really, REALLY miss it! I can't wait until I can go again! That'll probably be when I have kids and lots of money, however.... Disneyland's expensive, and so is the California Adventures park! I did, however, gain a sweet Chewbaccpack (It's a chewbacca backpack! :D) out of the deal! Best $64.00 I've ever spent. American money, so it would've been like, $78.00 in Canadian or.. something. I don't even know.
That basically sums up.. The last few years. OH. Toss in there, right before my sister leaving for her mission me getting a 3/4 Shar-pei 1/4 pitbull puppy! Ridiculously cute! I love her to bits, but we suspect she's the one giving me lung issues :( She has to be under quarantine for two months and I have to be on a puffer for 2 months and when the puffer runs out we let Angel bak inside and if the problems resurface, she's the issue, if not, then it's a funny case of bronchitis that's been kicking around for a good year. Mhmm! Oh, and I've been cleaning for three days straight to get all the dog fur out of here(It's not working that great) and I still need to vacuum twice then steamclean.... And I still have a good 15 loads of laundry to do because our washing machine is being absolutely retarded and is giving me the middle finger. You have to ration how much you feed it at a time(2-3 load size instead of 4-6 load size) otherwise it pukes everywhere. AKA- massive spillage that's a pain in the ass to clean up. It's old and dying, and needs to be put down and replaced with a nicer machine. Mmhmm. That's on my list of "Shit dad won't do that I have to" as well.
He's almost 50, and it's like taking care of a giant toddler. It's... horrible >.> Not near as bad as living with me mam though, but I still want out and into a place of my own. I've wanted that since I was 14 but... People rarely rent to 17 year olds, and never rent to 14 yos. Mmhmm! Birthday's comin' up! Almost 17! :D Feel older than that already.

Ciao folks. This has been a ramble from yours truly,
Wolf

Religion & Life--- The follow-up drama ensues.

FUCK.
So, I told my da I'm wiccan. What does he say? He says that he doesn't believe that I've changed my ways. He says that I'm following the pretty speech from my Wicca sisters and that this religion is a lie. Of course, the whole point of HIS religion is saying that the LDS religion is the one true religiona and FUCKKKKKKKKKK........................................
I don't know what to do. He now thinks that all my friends are Wicca and he doesn't want me hanging out with them. He's forcing me to go to church so that I can't worship my Goddess. Basically, in a grand total of 30 seconds he told me that I was a daft fool for believing in a Goddess, because, and I quote, "goddesses aren't real." FUCK YOU. PROVE IT YOU STUPID ASS! That's why I left that religion. It puts down every other religion and tells them that they aren't true, and that the gods/goddesses/higher power(s) they worship and stupid, are lies, aren't true, blah blah blah di fucking blah. Well, if he's gunna be a douche, then let him. Once I get enough money saved up, and my license, and a solid job, I'll be moving out. I have a few friends I know I can bunk with for a bit and hopefully I'll be able to rent a place.
Yes, I've thought this through. It seems yet again I have to lie until I am free. Whatever.

These chains holding me are too thick, even for me
The only key hangs by a thread 'round the devil's neck
Seduction and wooing don't sway him
The only way out is my Wolf
The only way out is death.


Well, gods above. What a fucking grave I've dug for myself.

Religion & Life

Fuck. FUCK.

I'm Wiccan. My dad doesn't know, and I live with him. He keeps talking to me about "our" religion but I hate talking to him about it because I'm no longer LDS. I have no idea how to tell him. I need my sisters here. I think I'll tell him midwinter solstice. I don't know. I need my sisters here to help. I found more wicca where I moved but I need "my" wicca here.

I'm too confused about this fucking life. I hate living a lie, but I have no choice right now.

Flashbacks =3

So, I had a random flashback earlier today. I went to the fair with my family when I was around 8 years old, and decided to play the fish-the-duckies or something like that. After failing twice my older brothers took pity, ran around, checked for the winning numbers, and told me which ones to fish for. I won a green iguana stuffy, which I still have.
It made me realize the good times gone. I'll never gain back that innocence, the blissful ignorance I had. I wish I had it now. As I grow older, the drama increases. It's getting harder and harder to avoid. When I just want to be left alone, they crowd in, wondering what's wrong. They're strangers. When I moved in with my dad, I knew things would change. I figured I would miss my hometown, but I never knew how much. I know I'll be back for senior year, but it still makes my heart ache. I look at my fellows here, and I see almost-familiar faces, people acting like the kids I grew up with, so close to them, it's painful to see the resemblences. Until rugby, I won't see them. It's awkward, running into them when I visit friends there. I see them and, wow, they've changed. When did that happen? Certainly not over the summer. In kindergarten, elementary, you never really.. changed, over the summer. It was so gradual, you never noticed. Sure, they got taller, some of the boys, hotter, some less than. Some girls became snobs, bitches, ones you never wanted to hang with. The cliques formed. They stuck. I always looked at the new kids and thought, wow, I'd hate to be them. Now I am. Everyone knows who I am, but I don't have a clue who they are. It's.. almost ironic. I never thought about the new kid's past, just that they were here now and I tried to be friendly, at least a little. Now, I'm the new one. The one who doesn't get the inside jokes, because I wasn't there to make them. I try to be... insignificant. Don't make ties. It's close to the end of school, anyways. Just a few more years and I graduate. If I graduated here, I'd die. I wanted to end where I started. I thought I would. Because I saw my older siblings move and leave their friends behind, I never wanted to do that. I didn't want to change schools. I will end school where I started. This is just a stop, I'll get where I want eventually. Still, it hurts, because.. Those were my first friends, I've known them for over 10 years, now. My dad said that changing schools is no different than graduating. I say nay. It's way different. When you graduate, you leave your friends behind with a sense of belonging, a sense of accomplishment. When you transfer, you leave them behind brokenhearted. For some people, they are forced to graduate with strangers.
At least I've found some fellows here.
Gods, I miss my friends. If I can tough it out for two years, then I'll be able to get what I need done done. I'll graduate on familiar turf. From small town to small town, I've been targeted as the enemy, because, well, let's face it, I am. My older siblings were kicking these kids' older siblings' asses. In sports, in pure awesomeness, in everything. Proud of it, too. I don't deny what I am. I don't deny it, I don't avoid it. I wear the red & white colours with pride. I always will. I want to hang the red & white tassles in my car when I graduate, not gaudy colours, blue and gold, or, worse, green and gold. I walk proud through these halls, proud to be different. I will this year, I will next year. When I go back home, it will be a blessed relief for me.
Stupid ass teachers.
They laugh and say "Oh, you've seen the light!"
I laugh back and say, "Oh, no, I really haven. Circumstances state that I have to be here." Then walk away. They sit so high and mighty on their fucking thrones, thinking they're better than everyone. Back home, it's all a laugh, a real one. We know feelings. When I slip into "wolf mode," no-one understands to just back the fuck off. I try to explain to just leave me alone, nosy bastards. No offense to actual friends where I'm at, but you probably understand who this is directed to. It's getting easier and easier to flick the "Wolf ON" switch, and harder to turn her off. Soon, I'll snap, and I won't give a shit about the consequences. I rarely had to worry about hurting anybody, mainly because they would back off, alot of times because I knew that they could take what I threw at them. They were tough. Most of these kids are fucking pansies. Because I truly don't want to hurt most of them, I try to keep my spirit in check. Gods, it's hard. Soon, red will colour the walls, and it sure as hell won't be paint.

So, this went from nostalgic to goddamned angry, but, most of you should be able to see the intricacies that I deal with day to day. If you can't, too fucking bad.
Thanks for reading.
Don't pray for me.

hmph.

Isn't it weird that people are offended when people get mad at them over the internet? How in the name of hell are you supposed to know what the person who bitched at you was going through that day? Siblings could've been yelling at them, parents bitchin' and complainin' at each other, friends pmsing, THEM pmsing, particularily rude people in the subway. Their mother, father, grandparents, brother, sister, friend, dog, cat, fish, horse, cow, cat died. Someone egged their house. Their car was hit. Hit n runs. THe possibilities are literally endless. Give em a break. Possibly, you were being a bitch towards them and any of the above happened to them, and they really did not feel like being nice or put up with you that day. Admit it, you bitch at strangers over the interwebs too.

War Dreams...

Damn. Well, life sucks as of right now.

Anyways... If anyone finds any good proxy sites send them to me, eh?

Can't get around the school blocks... But that's not the only reason I'm uber depressed right now...

Dreams are confusing... I can normally decipher them, but not my last one... It's personal, so I won't tell you, but it's so confusing! I need to find something to get right soon, or I'll go crazy from not knowing.

All I can say is Love, Leopards, Monarch Butterflies, a river, and Snow. The cold was slowing my every move. The cold was everywhere.. It seems the only warmth was the rest of the pack in my vision, the wolves ahead and around me. The human refugees were frozen, barely moving. We had to keep moving. The war was coming.

In this dance of life

In this dance, there are challenges
Things to overcome, your partner's lack of skill

While you try to overcome them,
they drag you under.

When you finish with flying colours,
The photographer takes a picture in black and white.

In this dance, there are mistakes.
Things to improve off of, supposedly.

There are your missteps,
your screw-ups

And when you do something right,
Your instructor drags you down, ignores improvement,

And ultimately,
Doesn't help.

In a dance of Life,
There are no instructors

Just you.
Dancing.